sorry if i don't feel like talking to anyone right now.
i realli need time and space for myself, for grief and for reflection.

A Leave-Taking
Algernon Charles Swinburne

Let us go hence, my songs ; she will not hear.
Let us go hence together without fear ;
Keep silence now, for singing-time is over,
And over all old things and all things dear.
She loves not you nor me as all we love her.
Yea, though we sang as angels in her ear,
She would not hear.

Let us rise up and part ; she will not know.
Let us go seaward as the great winds go,
Full of blown sand and foam ; what help is here ?
There is no help, for all these things are so,
And all the world is bitter as a tear.
And how these things are, though ye strove to show,
She would not know.

Let us go home and hence ; she will not weep.
We gave love many dreams and days to keep,
Flowers without scent, and fruits that would not grow,
Saying, ‘If thou wilt, thrust in thy sickle and reap.’
All is reaped now ; no grass is left to mow ;
And we that sowed, though all we fell on sleep,
She would not weep.

Let us go hence and rest ; she will not love.
She shall not hear us if we sing hereof,
Nor see love’s ways, how sore they are and steep.
Come hence, let be, lie still ; it is enough.
Love is a barren sea, bitter and deep ;
And though she saw all heaven in flower above,
She would not love.

Let us give up, go down ; she will not care.
Though all the stars made gold of all the air,
And the sea moving saw before it move
One moon-flower making all the foam-flowers fair ;
Though all those waves went over us, and drove
Deep down the stifling lips and drowning hair,
She would not care.

Let us go hence, go hence ; she will not see.
Sing all once more together ; surely she,
She too, remembering days and words that were,
Will turn a little toward us, sighing ; but we,
We are hence, we are gone, as though we had not been there.
Nay, and though all men seeing had pity on me,
She would not see.

-bought an adaptec scsi card for my PC. LOL.
normally costs $300+ on the mkt brand new.
bought it for $95. quite a steal if u ask me.
all i need to do is steal some scsi harddisks

-fixed my bicycle. cost me $11. all i need to do right now is fix my life and get back into shape. heh.

-and now of course tt leaves me broke. with days to the prom, in need of a haircut, new clothes etc etc. fuck la. wear nicer just to look at the same ppl, for wad. LOL. vanity comes at such a high price. oh well... will try to get endorsements from my parents for this. hope they wun slaughter me for this. yup.

what has doting on me given him? nothing.
what has buying supper for me as a kid given him? nothing. maybe even an additional complaint if he buys the wrong food.

for my whole life, noone has doted on me as much as him. not even my dad. not anyone else i've met. and i can't even have the fucking decency to make a trip to the hospital to visit him.

why? the A lvls? tt's a lousy excuse. the lousiest excuse even i have ever heard in a long time. and it'll probably be the lousiest i'll hear for a long time. from myself. and from anyone else.
just kill me yea.

i don't need sympathy now. i just need to wake up. for all that literature has taught me on family, i still have much to learn. i can talk as much bullshit as i want, but until i can live up to my words. i don't think i will ever be able to take myself seriously.

stuff worth reading:

"Tyrone, more than any other member of the family, honors the bonds of the home. He is capable of love but is often driven toward hatred. Even so, he never truly hates, but lives isolated within the frame of the bond, attempting to love in spite of everything. He turns from the pain of his life, to the local barroom; he buys bad real estate to purchase security he cannot find; he drinks to dope his mind to the point of forgetfulness. But he does not betray. He remains a simple man, free of cynicism, incapable of hatred."

"O’Neill’s picture of his younger self and of his brother Jamie is on the surface clear enough. Jamie, like his brother and father, is lost, embittered and cynical, wanting his mother whose rejection of him perhaps reaches farther back than the time when morphine forced her into drugged isolation. To compensate for her loss, he has sought to destroy himself with the profligate life of the Broadway rounder, and he has attempted to corrupt his brother, in the pretense of “putting him wise” to women and liquor. In Jamie, pain can have no anodyne. Liquor, far from dulling his loss, makes it unbearable, and, while Edmund is fussed over, even babied, no one tries to help Jamie. Nor is escape possible. Edmund can move into the fog—as he does in the third act—and find a kind of peace. The peace of belonging to a secret at the source of life, “the vision of beatitude” which he attempts to describe to his father, offers him a way out, just as Mary’s dream of finding her girlhood faith and Tyrone’s memory of Booth’s praise have power to assuage the present. There is no vision of beatitude for Jamie in Long Day’s Journey into Night. His need is always beside him, in Mary, but he cannot reach her. Like Tantalus, he has no refuge from desire. His is the howl of a soul lost in hell."

why the fuck do ppl feel a sense of superiority when they finish their A lvls earlier?

"hur hur, i finish my As 2 days before u"
dei. fuck u la. i end later also better right. more time to study. so wad's the big deal with u finishing on wednesday? big fark la. ppl like hong finish on monday. dun see him acting all big shot and all. i'd rather take it easy. take it slow. then do better than u. smelly prick.

COME ON MAN. look on the brighter side of stuff. ending on a friday isn't necessarily bad. :)

here's a happy picture for u:
(gabriel)

caption with it: yes, i am hoobastank.

You Are the Helper

2 You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you. You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know. Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere. You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

this is a bloody long entry. so if u don't want to read this, u can always wait for my next entry. :)

"If I only have the will to be grateful, I am so."

it's almost the end of my 2 years in st andrew's. maybe it's time i gave my thoughts on the teachers, and express gratitude where it's due.

literature

mr john smith (lit paper 5 and 8) [2003-2004]:
a nice man. realli glad i have this man as my paper 5 teacher. (although i wouldn't have said the same last year) realli appreciate ur teachings this year. esp on long day's journey into night. it's because of u that i've come to know and appreciate this great play. wuthering heights is simply sloppy. sad to say, though it's not ur fault. the book isn't too nice to begin with. and sorry for never doing my work in paper 8 man. LOL. but u're still a nice teacher, never hunting me down for late work. thanks for being understanding.

ms dhaliwal (lit paper 1 and 8 for 1st 3 months) [2003]:
sorry la. i realli hate antony and cleopatra. the idea of doing a julius caesar sequel after doing that retarded play for like 2 years in SJI realli bored the shit out of me. but still thank u for making it interesting and having so much passion for the subject. i guess it has kind of rubbed off on me, allowing me to still love lit despite my horrendous grades. the first 3 months of lit was my favourite time, when u gave pieces like oedipus and hamlet for us to just try out for drama prac crit. yup.

mrs claudine tan (lit paper 1) [2004]:
errr. sorry la. u just plain suck. haha. u're the worst literature teacher i've had ever since i've come into contact and loved the subject. it just doesn't help that u have to teach us a horrendously boring book like silas marner and end it all with the pardoner. the pardoner isn't too bad in its story, but then again, i had to spent 80% of my time referencing other material because i could never hear u in class.


economics:

mrs helen tan (1st 3 months plus moral ed) [2003]:
haha. i was terrified of u during the 1st 3 months la. i remember when u'd come into the class and scold us whenever we didn't do work (it was the 1st 3 months dammit, it's like the transitionary period. heh). initally didn't like it, but the moment u handed us over the mona chew for the last 2 weeks of the 1st 3 months, i kinda missed ur teaching style. haha. yup. realli enjoyed the first 3 months moral education lessons, veri enlightening and of course filled with fun.

mr lee ting jian (CT) [2003-2004]:
thank u for being such an understanding CT, especially after the horrible start in the first two weeks when i was requesting for a transfer of class/school. yup. and for saving my butt on 2 occasions during my hockey season when my grades were totally abysmal. i cannot really comment much on ur econs lessons because sadly they aren't realli much of econs lessons, more like the sparring i had with joy in the cafe, but between student and teacher. hah. yup. but ur generosity, kindness and understanding will always be a plus for me when i look back upon my days in st andrew's.


maths

ms rachel lee (4 weeks?) [2003]:
thanks for ur teachings, albeit for a veri short period of time. u realli helped me get back the confidence i lacked in maths, especially when i haven't had contact with the subject for 3 months. thank u for taking ur time during the breaks to teach me topics from the first 3 months that our lousy sch won't even bother to re-teach.

ms julia kwan [2003-2004]:
i owe u my life for maths 9233. and that probably isn't enough to describe my gratitude. yup. i noe at times u realli hate my apathy when it comes to the subject, i hope u noe that when i'm the most discouraged in maths, i always look for u for encouragement. i remember u said that i deserve at least a B for my 'A's. i just hope that i can live up to it. it's the least i can do.

general paper

ms jaclyn ang [2003-2004]:
sorry la. u just suck as a teacher. but u're a nice person, i guess. i'm veri sad to say that i really haven't learnt anything in my two years being imprisoned in the class for GP lessons. all the skills that i have relied so heavily upon to pass my GP would be thanks to ong siok cheng. not u. she's more than qualified to teach general paper. english at O lvl standards is elementary stuff for her. but then again, she's the teacher. she'll decide. :)

profit motive is the reason for few large firms to dominate the market for every type of product

- oligopoly
>> merger w/ MNCs competing
>> r&d
>> avoid excessive duplication

however,
- market failure
>> public goods will not be provided for
--> because MC = 0, non-exlusivity, non-rivalry. no motive to produce
--> thus government takes over.
- survival of small firm
>> small demand
>> limited supply
>> niche marketing/ exclusivity

"DO THE PAST AND PRESENT OFFER ANY GUIDANCE FOR THE FUTURE?"

like wow la. i chose the question because i hoped noone would choose it and it would be easier to score. ho ho ho wrong.

but it's irrelevant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. fuck la. my arguments are lop-sided. win liao.

my dreams have evanesced. thanks for crushing my dreams ms AGB. i relied on 2 years of ong siok cheng more than 18 months of u, and they have reaped greater returns. if i get an A (which i am hoping hopelessly against hope for), i would know who to credit. love u lots for the pen, but not for ur teachings.

-slept 2 hours.
-studied for 10.
-2 tubs of popcorn consumed in under 2 hours.
-consulted john.
-will be arranging for paper1 lit consultation. yup. NOT WITH CLAW. SONG BOH. then again. it depends on situations beyond my control.
-mrs choo isn't free. but she'll try to fit me into her busy schedule. so nice rite! my god if she was my age i'll have this horrendously huge crush on her (but then again, i already have a crush on someone else. :DDDDDD) BWAHAHAH.
-might consult jaclyn. yupyup. depends la. if i can get up. and if i want to. iff (if any only if) I REALLY WANT TO. when desire > need.
-forgot to find ms kwan. i feel so bad cancelling her consultation on friday. blame my ou xiang. why must she be able to solve everything. then i have nothing to ask pretty julia. KEKEKE.
-baffled my ou xiang with this ultra tough econs questions (it's a micro vs. macro question. fucking killer. might be s paper standard KEKE). so cool seeing her freaked out by the question. so i'm not alone in this world! wheeeeeeeee~
-the rain just makes me so melancholic. ever so listening to oasis - stop crying ur heart out. just looked like the rain was crying. and e song was dedicated to e tears of e sky. simply delightful.

what an eventful day
insanity at its best. i like~
kekeke.

MY AIMS FOR THE 'A'S STILL STAND.